Okay y’all : a news update. Jon and I adopted this sweet, unbelievably gorgeous little monster at the end of May. His name is Martini (@martinithedragdog, rather) – and he’s fucking teething like crazy and has caused us to bleed on multiple occasions.

Cue: dog toys.

If you’re the kind of person who doesn’t mind ripped up, slobbered over, dirty tennis balls all over the place – this post (and blog, probably) isn’t for you. Move on. But if you get it – first of all, I love you. Secondly, Buckle. UP!

Dog toys are one of the more aesthetically disruptive parts of dog ownership. Petco is my personal hell and I would rather have Martini bite through my finger ten times over before I invite toys like this into my house. What am I, a 90’s sitcom mom who wears acid wash high waisted jeans? No. JUST NO.

I think there’s two schools of thought when being this considerate with toys : either you’re matching your dog, or your house..but ideally, both. My office is a neon pink and iridescent evil lair and he’s a neon pink loving drag dog, so we’ve found our vibe in all things glittery, pink, and fabulous – but you do you.

So, what’s next? First, I scoured Etsy. I loved the idea of custom toys with his name on them, but I’m also an obsessive researcher and stickler when it comes to quality.. so that was a short lived dream.

Then, I took to Ebay. Same issue. Cute pink toys? Tons. All made out of flimsy latex that he’d rip through before I could get it out of the package? Also, yes.

I’m sure there’s bougie pet boutiques who would also serve my need for pink, durable dog toys – but I’m a frugal queen and personally struck gold at Home Goods/TJ Maxx. I have no shame in my Maxxinista/Home Goods game (Neither should you! Did you know Queer Eye’s Karamo is the new face of HG? Living for it.) – this is my latest haul:

(PS: Off topic – but the BioSilk for dogs was $6! $6!! I truly can’t. Also, for anyone who owns a very furry pup – a microfiber dog towel’s a necessity, so it might as well be pink and have hearts. I wish the paw print/bone pattern wasn’t there (😖), but I was also v desperate to stop using our designer white towels to dry Martini. Sacrifices, people.)

The point is this – if I can find a pink, glittery fairy wand made out of thick rubber that my razor toothed, four legged child can’t bite through, I have so much faith that you can find toys to match your aesthetic too.

Minimalist? Clear, black, and white toys only.

Boho queen? Toys made of recycled materials in signature ‘greige’ and earth tones.

NY Fashion Goth? Black and obsidian toys with rugged lines.

I could go on, but I pray you get the point.

This applies to puppies as much it does to babies : do not let these cute little bundles of joy dictate the design of your house, goddamnit. You’ve invested thousands to not make it look like a frat house and the time to ruin that is 👏 not 👏 now.

For what it’s worth, my personal favorite toy we’ve bought our baby is the Heart Squeaky Gem by Spunky Pup. It’s cute, it’s bouncy as hell, and he’s yet to destroy it :

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To staying on brand, fugly petcare industry be damned;